My friend, Windblown1, has once again allowed me to post more of her story. I've posted it here just as she wrote it in her journal. I'm sure those of you who have been victimized in an abusive church will be able to relate to the emotions she's expressed. I hope her writings will bring comfort and hope to those who are still hurting.
~~Musings From Inside The Walls~~8/31/95~~
I wrote this in my journal during a very difficult time in my life. There was lots of turmoil and the Lord was teaching me how to live in the reality of "Christ in me the hope of glory." I was more concerned with pleasing people than being open and honest.
Today, I have much more revelation and understanding of "living" from that deep place. It is such a place of rest and peace. It is a place of "living loved" and living in the awareness of His presence all the time.
OUT OF THE DEPTHS
Deep calls unto deep in my spirit.
This longing deep, deep within me.
To be heard, to be understood, to be listened to and not judged.
Oh, the joy of having a relationship like that with someone.
My heart longs to know You, Lord, to hear you speak to me.
You have called me to be one who knows You and Your voice.
The trials of my life harden my heart to You,
And muffle my hearing and ability to sense your nearness.
How can I stay in that place of openness to You?
What would you say to me if we were walking together
And I was able to open up and express the depths of my heart to you?
How would You answer the cry of my spirit?
“My child, My beloved child, your heart is shrunken by lack of love and caring in your life.
I long for you to know that you are filled with my Love and Life.
You shall always have things in this life that distract from My communion with you,
but keep coming to Me, I can and will help you sort out and bring light on all that concerns you.
Do you remember all those years when you heard My call, when I drew you by My Love?
Do you remember the first words I spoke to you, calling you one who knows Me and My voice?
For many years you have not walked in that place of hearing and knowing Me.
You listen and strive to please man and you have shut off the flow of My Voice to you.
But I am bringing you back into communion with Me. That is from where your strength and life will come.
The depression, the loss of your “self” is because you allowed things to interrupt our communion together.
In My teachings, I call My people friends, I speak of intimate relationship, but very few have the revelation of Me and My amazing Gift, to actually live in that place with Me.
My people are very religious, talking about scripture but never finding the entrance to that Life about which the scripture speaks.
I want you to know Me experientially, not just read about Me or hear others tell you what I am like.
You don’t like your life presently but if you yield to Me and allow me to speak to you, you will someday look at this as a most fruitful time.
You live too close to the surface.
As in the sea, the waves roar and crash, rage and foam near the surface, but out in the depths, way, way down–all is still and tranquil.
This is where I would have you live. In the depths of your being.
That is where I dwell, that is where you will find Me.
That is where you will hear the still, small voice.
If you learn to stay there, nothing will be able to move you.
I am taking you deeper.”